I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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