Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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