Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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