I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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