There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
