I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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