Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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