im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
