just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
