We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
