She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
