I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
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So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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