Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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