we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
