remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
