I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
