It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
