hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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