Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
