Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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