I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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