she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
