I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
