I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
