life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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