the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
