non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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