EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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