I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
