we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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