A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
