put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I need moral support for this bender
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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