Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize