I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
