Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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