Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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