Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
