found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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