So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
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All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party