She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
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I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.