Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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