ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
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you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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