just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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