Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You can't just leave with hair like that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
