Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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