I think I died a long time ago.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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