11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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