so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
