I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
