I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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