so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
