I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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