I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
