help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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