I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
