Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
