If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
