I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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